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Andy’s Dad Asks: The Wolverine

August 20th, 2013 by Andrew McCarroll Comments

My dad is a huge film fan; He has roughly 600 movies in his collection, however 590 of them are Westerns. This doesn’t stop him from going to the cinema every week or asking me to drop off some DVDs with the warning that they are “proper films, no special computer nonsense”. Unfortunately for me he flat out refuses to learn character names, actor’s names or sometimes even the movie names themselves. So at least once a week I get this call, “What is that film I liked where Bourne Identity is the cop, but he is only pretending and he’s really a prick” (The Departed). Anytime he watches something new he calls me to ask a multitude of questions about the film, so I decided that I have suffered alone long enough and its time other people got to share a glimpse into my suffering as I answer the questions that “Andy’s Dad Asks”.

How did Les Miserables remember he saved guy in WW2 if he lost his memory at the end of the last one?

That was just to erase the memory of X-Men 3

Why did Xenia Onatopp keep popping up in his dreams?

Who hasn’t dreamed of her in bed beside you, mocking James Marsden for again failing to get the girl?

Why can’t the super strong unbreakable metal in his claws not cut through a sword?

Because it’s Japan, and with great honour comes great responsibility…no wrong film. In the comic they actually fight with wooden swords but sinceno one involved in the film seems to of read it, they just did what they felt like.

What was the point of the old guy pretending to be dead?

It’s cool for old people to fake their deaths, now check out Prometheus

Why did Poison Ivy and old guy from Inception not take Hugh Jackman’s powers when he was drugged and weak in his own house?

Probably because they were expecting the world’s most bad ass hunter to be able to notice a girl walking into his room crawling on top of him and kissing him, when he didn’t Yashida thought “I have stock piled all this adamantium for nothing I might as well still build the robot from “Real Steel” and see if that helps me resolve my differences with my family like it did for…whoever that guy was in that film”

Why was a female version of Stewie from Family Guy sent to protect an unkillable superhero?

Ok I can’t unsee that, but a murderous child with a football shaped head is always someone you want on your side

Why did an indestructible killing machine who has been in every war there ever was not have a better attack plan then “ride the worlds loudest motorbike through a path of ninjas” and how come they shoot the lad 38,267 times with arrows without putting a hole in his shirt?

The shirt was made of adamantium…probably. Plus all the ninjas did was pick him up and carry him to the place he was going anyway, then they assumed that their work was done for the night and all clocked out leaving him alone while they went off to play Shinobi, or whatever ninjas do when they are not doing ninja stuff

How come when he loses his healing power and keeps bleeding, he is able to shoot 6 knives made from the sharpest material in the world and his hands are fine?

Because having a scene where Wolverine has blood pouring from his hands all over his metal claws would be……….well really cool, and as such, has no place in this film

Did this film steal from “Friends” were Joey says he is the only one capable of performing surgery on himself?

Well if you are going to steal from anyone, Dr Drake Ramori is the way the go, I was more concerned that the bed he was sitting on looked very similar to Jor El’s little robot friend from Man of Steel

Was that bed just set to constantly x-ray whoever is sitting on it? Wouldn’t that kill them in less than a day?

If superhero films have taught us anything it’s that prolonged exposure to radiation can only result in good things

If he lost all his power and strength how is he able to walk around carrying a 2-ton metal skeleton and not fall down more?

He has had to carry at least 3 subpar films; he is well used to the extra weight.

Did the film waste the entire costume budget on Poison Ivy changing outfit every 5 minutes? The poor Australian lad didn’t have a shirt on for the whole film.

To be honest, if I looked like that I would also forget to put clothes on most days as well.

Was the film written by a load of middle-aged women on a hen’s night? “Hugh Jackman takes off his shirt, then thinks of his ex, then takes his shirt off, then he is all dirty but a team of women clean him up tell him what to wear and make him a better person, then he talks about his feelings, takes his top off, and all the women have to be really powerful and can take all off the men’s power, then he takes his top off in the rain”.

The script was originally written as a sequel to “Sex in the City”. Think about it, a power to never grow old, and the main character gets at least 3 different makeovers. The Viper lady can shed her skin to look younger and goes around trying to tongue everyone…its Samantha!!!!

Was Picard not in a different body at the end of the one were Lock Stock was chasing Hard Candy?

I’m pretty sure that the makers of the film are banking on the idea that everyone who watched X-Men 3 walked out after Vinnie Jones said “I’m the Juggernaut bitch” and didn’t stick around to see that Xavier was in a completely different looking body.

Why did Gandalf start moving bowls of change around? Would he not be better off just saying “Hello Logan” and where was he flying? Did he book a ticket to somewhere just to stand behind him and then tell Picard to hide on the other side of the metal detector? Why didn’t Picard just use his telepathy to speak to Logan?

Theatricality and deception are powerful agents…probably because if the film ended with two old men just calling up Wolverine most people wouldn’t have been tricked into wanting to sit through another X-Men film.

Was this not based on an awesome comic book?

It was but it seems that “Huge Action” saw the cover of it and thought “Wolverine goes to Japan, that’s awesome.” but no one had the heart to tell him that he needed to open the book to get the rest of the story. It was probably the same people who never told him that Wolverine isn’t supposed to be a 6ft 5 Hugo Boss model

What exactly was the bad guy’s end game?

Well he faked his death so that he could use the grand daughter to have control of the company, but he would be running the company with his new Wolverine powers, he would use her childhood ninja friend to do this and then more ninjas and a snake lady for when he gets his giant metal transformer suit………….I have no god damn idea





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Andrew McCarroll never quite built on the dizzying career heights that he hit at 6 years old, when as a member of the “Ghostbusters” he would charge his neighbours to remove any unwanted spectres. Now retired from slaying spooks, he spends his time obsessing over superheroes (especially Batman) and devouring shows like Dexter, Game of Thrones and Archer in a manner that would make Galactus proud. You can follow his rants on twitter @andymc1983

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