Andy’s Dad Asks: Lord Of The Rings

My dad is a huge film fan; he has roughly 600 movies in his collection, however 590 of them are Westerns. This doesn’t stop him from going to the cinema every week or asking me to drop off some DVDs with the warning that they are “proper films, no special computer nonsense”. Unfortunately for me he flat out refuses to learn character names, actor’s names or sometimes even the movie names themselves. So at least once a week I get this call, “What is that film I liked where Bourne Identity is the cop, but he is only pretending and he’s really a prick” (The Departed). Anytime he watches something new he calls me to ask a multitude of questions about the film, so I decided that I have suffered alone long enough and its time other people got to share a glimpse into my suffering as I answer the questions that “Andy’s Dad Asks”.

1. How did Golem change form and stay alive so long without the ring if he was a normal hobbit and Alien android aged so quickly and he only got rid of the ring 13 months ago?

Gollum held the ring much longer than Bilbo. It’s possible that the ring may have had a more lasting and “conditioning” effect on Gollum. When Bilbo gave away the ring, his age caught up with him.

2. Can the ring do anything for you except turn you invisible?

Its main purpose aside from invisibility etc. is the power to command/influence, at least for Sauron anyway.

3. Aside from basically being a spotlight, what other powers does Sauron have?

He’s basically a demi-god, created before even the world itself, so… he’s essentially divine. Magic, shape shifting, oh, and he’s immortal too.

4. Why does Veronica Guerin not do anything except be smug and relaxed? She has the power to lift Frodo up after he has a little fall, but doesn’t help him 30 seconds later when the giant spider shows up.

Aside from wanting to distance herself from the War of the Ring, in case her presence raises the stakes (Bear in mind that the Elves’ power is waning in Middle Earth), they’re basically packing up shop and heading off to heaven. They’re not of too much use these days, and she didn’t necessarily help him; it may have just been a vision. That’s like complaining that a cheerleader celebrates a touchdown but then doesn’t score one herself. Let it go.

5. Speaking of giant spiders did Jon Peters produce this?

I looked everywhere, can’t find his name in the credits. I’m going with yes though.

6. Who was the Elephant Man looking Orc, what was his beef?

“Gothmog”. He’s the Witch-King’s first General, he commands armies and other types of ill sh*t.

7. Why didn’t the eagles help earlier?

The eagle that rescued Gandalf from atop Orthanc at Isengard is named “Gwaihir”. In the books, Gandalf explicitly asks Gwaihir to help and intervene along with the rest of the eagles. He refuses on the basis that the troubles of men don’t concern the eagles. Yeah, he’s a real dick.

8. Why did V for Vendetta have Eastern Promises’ sword?

It’s not strictly Aragorn’s sword… It’s Elendil’s, the king who was killed during the prologue of the first film. Isildur used it to cut the ring off Sauron’s hand; the pieces were collected and handed down through the bloodline. In the movie, it was instead always kept by the elves at Rivendell. In both cases it was repaired by the elves and given back to Aragorn once he claims kingship.

9. Why did Ned Stark’s dad go mad and try and kill his son? And why did no one stop him setting himself on fire and killing himself?

Because he’s a crazed arsehole. He’s bitter because he’ll never be king. He’s merely a steward of the throne, caretaker until a real king comes back. He misses Ned… sorry… Boromir and blames Faramor for his death, so he tried to burn him. When he set himself on fire, no one stopped him because, f*@k it… he’s a prick.

10. Why didn’t Frodo just put the ring in his pocket like Sam did? Sam just stuck it in his pocket and it didn’t bother him.

Even after just a short while, you can still see Sam struggle to give back the ring. It *did* bother him. Frodo, however, had it way longer.

11. What happened to Dracula? He just disappeared; same with Chucky he just vanished.

Watch the extended version.

ACTUALLY DON’T… Don’t. Ever.

12. Did Aerosmith die or did she marry Eastern Promises in the end?

Both, but not in that order.

13. What was the craic with the Ghosts? Can Eastern Promises do that to people who betray him now?

That’s not a thing… he can’t do that. It was another King ages ago. He placed a curse on the men. Aragorn simply called them on it and said he’d lift the curse if they helped.

14. Why did Frodo leave on the ship at the end?

He was offered a place in the Undying Lands by the demigods, heaven basically. He pretty much felt he couldn’t live a normal life after what he’d been through. Call it… Hobbit PTSD.

15. Why did no one leave those two stupid hobbits behind?

There’s really no particular reason other than they provide dialogue exchange between people who’d otherwise be alone, Merry and Eowyn, Pippin and Gandalf etc… and to sell toys.

16. How did the spider stab Frodo if he was wearing the fairy vest?

In the book he was stung in the neck; in the movie they just seemed not to give a sh*t

17. What happens to all the Orcs at the end, do they just stay there and go about doing their own thing after the war?

There are expanded-canon references to them retreating beneath the Misty Mountain and just scattering. They probably did social welfare courses or something.

18. Why does Orloondo Bland keep staring into the middle distance and sprouting nonsense like he is doing a flashback on Scrubs?

Elves can see and hear to greater degrees than men. It’s to imply that he sees things we don’t. I think they decided on him making a Spidey-Sense face as opposed to going into “Legolas Vision”. Good choice.

19. What happened to Gribbly and Will Turner?

Gimli became a King, rebuilt the Dwarf Kingdoms, aided in repairing the cities of men. Legolas basically did the same but for elves. Later on, after Aragorn’s death, they both travelled across the sea to the Undying Lands, joining the others.

20. Was Golum and the lad he kills more than friends?

Two guys? Together? Be realistic, that’d never happen.